A New Way Of Life

Never in a million years did I think that we would be on of the families sitting at a Nar-anon meeting.  I thought those meetings were for the addicts only.  I had heard of Al-anon for families of alcoholics but never Nar-anon.  As we walked into our first meeting a week ago I was nervous and my stomach was turning.  We sat in the back row trying to hide like we always have with my brother's addiction.  We would hide it and be shameful of his addiction and lie to people when they asked how he was.  Then they had us move our chairs into a big circle.  I felt vulnerable and even more nervous.  For most of the meeting we sat and listened to the other families regarding their struggles with their addicts.  Until then it just came spewing out of me.  I began to shake as I spoke about my brother.  I told my mom that I felt like my body is releasing so much pain and sorrow it makes me quiver.  I feel like every muscle in my body is spasming.  I can't control it.  My body only reacts like this when I speak.  It is the only thing I can think of as a reason why this would happen. 

Last night was our second meeting where we had recovering addicts telling us their stories.  I felt like they were speaking to only me because it is everything my brother is and does.  At the end I began to share again and immediately began to shake as if the temperature dropped 30 degrees.  I let it all out and spoke about the things that occurred this past week.  I was good until I spoke the words that sometimes I feel as if it would be a relief if they did find him deceased.  I know he would be at peace then. I wouldn't wonder if he his alive or dead.  If he is hurt if he is hungry well you know the feelings that occur.  I broke out into sobs.  But they immediately made me feel like I wasn't alone in that thought.  Some said I feel the same way. 

After last nights meeting I feel more alive then ever.  I feel more supported than ever.  I know I have to heal. 

I decided after praying a lot that this is the beginning of my new way of life.  I am going to love hard, live free, and laugh loudly.  I know I am the best me I can be and that's all I can do.  I love my brother with all of my heart and I will take the advice of the guest speakers last night and love him from a distance and let him deal with his addiction and pray hard the right people are walking on his path. For when he meets that right person they will lead him to recovery when he wants it.  They said a very powerful thing "no human power or materialistic object will keep me clean and sober"  That is an amazing statement.  I know no matter what I say or do my brother will not get clean.  I can't buy his sobriety.  He will have to earn it like every other recovering addict.

Lots of Love and Healing,

Heidi