Friday, May 18, 2012

My Little Brother And Me Against The World

Hey everyone its Heidi.  I love my brother to the moon and back.  I have will never have another brother.  He and I have well had a very close bond.  We are both from our mothers first marriage.  Our father died when I was 11 and he was 8.  He was a devastating car accident that left him a vegetative state from the time I was 5 until his passing 6 years later. 

Our mom remarried and we relocated from Pittsburgh to Baltimore when I was 8 and he was 5.  It was gut wrenching to be torn away from every person we loved and knew to be moved so far away.  Well its really only a 4 hour ride but at 8 it was a million miles away.  Our step dad really wasn't the nicest person to us.  I mean he gave us the world however, he was a douche as far as discipline.  Never abusive by the standards of those days. 

But me being the oldest I always fought his battles and stood up to our step dad for him and was the one who took the blame for a lot of things to protect my brother.  I find myself still doing that.  I don't necessarily take the blame but I do take the guilt of when he steals from someone we know or when my mom is crying because she doesn't know where he is.  I feel that pain he should feel.  Its very difficult to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas without him knowing that crack is way more important than us.  Its hard to look around my house and take a mental inventory before and after he shows up asking for money or food.  Which refuse to give him money but I will always feed him. 

I don't know what happened to my brother I just know I love him and I miss him terribly and I do not want to bury him. 

I know I can't save him or fight this fight for him this time.  I need to let him go and let him deal with the consequences of his addiction its just so hard not knowing and your heart dropping every time the phone rings just waiting for that call. 

I know there is a wonderful person under that addiction. I just don't know what will be left of him if he ever decides to get into recovery. 

Lots of love and healing,


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