Well it has been 11 almost 12 since I have heard from my brother. The last time I knew for sure he was alive was almost 12 days ago. Sure it may have only been a FB message telling me to stay the hell out of his life and he can't be saved but at least it was some kind of communication. No one in our family has heard from him and I haven't looked for him. He needs to learn the consequences of his actions. This isn't an uncommon occurrence with him. He will run and hide every time he is using.
He had a court date this morning and I prayed hard last night for God to give the judge the courage to lock him up this time. I know if he is in jail he is alive. He is eating. He is not cold. I think that is the hardest thing to deal with the not knowing.
Otherwise, this was a great week. We had a great holiday with friends and just a nice family day. We had a great Nar-anon meeting this week. Tonight my husband will receive the Medal of Honor for saving a hostage in a bank robbery. For those of you who are reading this for the first time my husband is a police officer. Next week is the kids last week of school for the summer. We are getting ready for vacation lots of good things coming soon.
But in the back of my head I keep thinking about my brother and how I wish nothing more than for him to be a productive part of our family. I would love to share in family days and dinners with him. I sometimes wish I would have started these meetings earlier and learned how to deal with his addiction in a better way and stopped enabling him many years ago so he could have saved himself from this despair. I know no matter how much I wish these things for him he needs to want them for himself. I just MISS HIM.
I think a lot about him getting treatment and making progress in recovery one day and will I ever believe anything that comes out of his mouth. Right now when his mouth is moving he is lying. I wonder how we will ever rebuild our relationship. I know it will always be different but I just want my brother back.
I just pray that God is watching him and will hold him tight and let him know he is loved and he is worth recovery.
Lots of love and healing,