Friday, June 1, 2012

11 Days and Counting

Well it has been 11 almost 12 since I have heard from my brother.  The last time I knew for sure he was alive was almost 12 days ago.  Sure it may have only been a FB message telling me to stay the hell out of his life and he can't be saved but at least it was some kind of communication.  No one in our family has heard from him and I haven't looked for him.  He needs to learn the consequences of his actions.  This isn't an uncommon occurrence with him.  He will run and hide every time he is using. 

He had a court date this morning and I prayed hard last night for God to give the judge the courage to lock him up this time.  I know if he is in jail he is alive.  He is eating.  He is not cold.  I think that is the hardest thing to deal with the not knowing. 

Otherwise, this was a great week.  We had a great holiday with friends and just a nice family day.  We had a great Nar-anon meeting this week.  Tonight my husband will receive the Medal of Honor for saving a hostage in a bank robbery.  For those of you who are reading this for the first time my husband is a police officer.  Next week is the kids last week of school for the summer.  We are getting ready for vacation lots of good things coming soon. 

But in the back of my head I keep thinking about my brother and how I wish nothing more than for him to be a productive part of our family.  I would love to share in family days and dinners with him.  I sometimes wish I would have started these meetings earlier and learned how to deal with his addiction in a better way and stopped enabling him many years ago so he could have saved himself from this despair.  I know no matter how much I wish these things for him he needs to want them for himself.  I just MISS HIM. 

I think a lot about him getting treatment and making progress in recovery one day and will I ever believe anything that comes out of his mouth.  Right now when his mouth is moving he is lying.  I wonder how we will ever rebuild our relationship.  I know it will always be different but I just want my brother back.

I just pray that God is watching him and will hold him tight and let him know he is loved and he is worth recovery.

Lots of love and healing,



  1. This is uncanny. Or maybe just God? I literally had just been saying to my sister how sad/alone I felt this evening. I just learned from my mom that my younger brother (who has been clean for six months) failed a drug test earlier this week and had to leave his treatment program - -and now, of course, hasn't been in touch for a few days. After crying for a bit, I decided to look at at "Dad and Mom" whose blog I often find helpful/encouraging and found a link to yours. Of course, your post immediately resonated -- and then I couldn't believe we had the same name! Especially since I at least know so few others with it. Anyway, know you are not alone -- and that I am praying for your whole family and most of all for your brother. And God hold all of us very close. -- Heidi

  2. Hi Heidi,

    It is very hard for some to realize that we as siblings feel the loss of our addict as much as our parents. I know my mom especially didn't realize it until we started going to meetings and we all opened up about our pain. As close as we are as a family no one really understood the pain each one of us was feeling. Weird right? We always were afraid to talk about it. We lived in shame as much as he did. I am glad you found our blog and I hope you keep reading. We as siblings of addicts think that we need to stay strong for our parents sake when really we need a shoulder as much as they do. I too, am praying for your family and your brother. I started this blog not only to help my sister and I relieve some pain but to meet and have contact with others who have a sibling in addiction so we all know there are others who feel the same. Please feel free to email me anytime. Hope to hear from you!
    Thanks again for reading,

  3. I am the mom but I realized this last weekend the pain of his sister. She hurts for us and him as well as herself. He didn't always think so but he has a good sister. You are a good sister.