Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Walk A Mile In My Shoes... Then You Can Judge Me

Yesterday was not a good day.  As you may have read in an earlier post my brother was put into the hospital for emergency evaluation and walked out.  He and I had a lovely exchange of words on his FB page in which he told me to stay the "f" out of his life.  How could I help the cops find him? He always knew I never loved him blah blah blah which I presume these people read.I woke up to 36 messages on Facebook from people I don't even know asking me...

"where is he"
"do you know if he is OK"
"why do you not care what happens to him"
"I can't believe you helped the cops find him"
"what kind of sister are you"
"what kind of person does that"

I could go on but I think you get the picture.  I responded to the first couple of messages kind of rudely.  Well not kind of I was down right ignorant.  Then I spoke with a friend of mine and she said to me

Heidi why are you even responding? You don't know any of these people and you don't owe them any kind of explanation. When they walk a mile in your shoes and deal with the struggles your brother has put you and your family through then they can judge you until then Facebook has a delete and block feature USE IT!!!!!!!!!. 

I deleted and blocked around 40 people some friends some family some I don't even know including my brother.

I don't understand why or how people feel they have a right to tell me how to feel or how to deal with my brother.  Where were these people when we were sitting in court rooms, visiting rehabs, dealing with the DEA busting up in our home?  I think my friends are right these people are addicted to the drama and feel they need to be a part of it. THIS ISN'T DRAMA THIS IS MY LIFE.  This is what I live with everyday.  I know there are more people supporting me than that are hating on me but its still hard. 

The people who really know my brother and care about my brother have been supporting me.  I don't know why I let these select few make me feel like I was really nothing yesterday.  Today will be a better day.  I am willing it that way.  I know in my mind what I am doing is right.  But my heart needs time to heal and strengthen and these people beating me down did not help.  I broke down at dinner last night and just cried and cried.  I sat there questioning myself and my actions.  I always have prided myself on being a good person, sister, daughter, mother and wife and these haters made me question that.  Then I realized they don't know me at all and obviously they don't know my brother at all.  We have lived in silence about this disease I can't fault people for not know the real story.  I never told it I know for sure my brother never has told anyone the REAL story.  That is why every time someone brings it up he runs away.  Well now they can read our story and see that he may be the crack addict but we are just as affected by it.  I just wish I could remember what it was like before crack.  Its a fading memory.


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  2. Here is a link to an essay I wrote for The Partnership that seems to have helped a lot of people understand something about addiction. It took me 5 years to understand these truths and it was hard. Maybe forward this to some of those that do not understand and you care for and wish to help.

    In addition, I have written many other articles for The Partnership. These are not like my blog where it is day to day. These articles are more about my "learnings" as the father of an addict.

    And, by the way, jail is affectionately known as "PROTECTIVE CUSTODY" your brother is safer in jail than on the streets scoring and using drugs. It's hard for some to understand that but it is the truth.

  3. As to dealing with other people and their opinions....their opinions can be theirs and yours can be yours. Other people often do not know what they are talking about when it comes to all of this and the decisions we are forced to make. Have you heard the saying, "Keep your own side of the street clean?" I love that. My job is to keep my side of the street clean. To keep it clear of resentments, bitterness, negativity, fear...whatever else plagues me. I can do that by keeping my focus on my side of the street and not looking (or listening or reading...whatever the case may be) at what the people around me are saying about my situation that they have not lived through. Keep going to your meetings and surround yourself with people who understand. You are NOT alone.

  4. You did what you needed to and your right, these people do not know what you have been thru and are going thru. It's best just to ignore there comments. I'm sorry you and your family are going thru this hell. You are not alone.

  5. Yes, I feel your pain. When my son first started going through this 10 years ago, we were inundated with phone calls (FB wasn't around back then), from total strangers telling us what horrible parents we were for kicking our son out of the house, having him charged and sent to jail, being terrible parents for letting him get that way to start with. This time around, those strangers are coming around via email. My son wisely, hid all his FB friends from view, I guess when he first started knowing he was spiraling out of control. As others have said, you are not alone.

  6. Thank you all soooo much for your support. I have never known the freedom I feel while I type. Thank you so much!

  7. I know what you mean, constantly feeling like you are judged! Having one sister OD and another one going down the same path our family feels it double time and it makes you feel very lonely too that many others do not understand... You tell them you have to emotionally distance yourself and let them hit rock bottom and people look at you like an alien.