It's Been A While My Friend

Sorry it has been so long since I have written a blog.  Life has been crazy busy. Starting in July we begin our daughters sport season it goes until November and then indoor club season begins.  AHHHHH I feel like its all I do.

Anyway, things have been a slightly calm around here.  We have begun making a new home our house yay its only been over a year since we closed on the house. LOL! We of course spent another Thanksgiving and Christmas without my brother.  He is still in his long term rehab however, it is now COURT ORDERED!!! YAY! He is still facing a lengthy jail sentence for other charges.  I can't think about it though.  He had everything he needed and still decided to use and steal.  I read on another blog that addict and criminal eventually become on in the same.  SO TRUE. 

I have made peace with the fact that the brother I once had is gone, never to come back.  My brother now is a recovering crack addict and a felon.  I realize that things will never be the same.  The questions in my head are ongoing.  Will I ever trust him?  Can I ever believe a word he says? Can I ever let him in my house without hiding my good silverware? Well I don't really have good silverware but you know what I mean. The same questions you have in your mind about your addict.

So on to the holidays.....

Thanksgiving 2012

Horrible all the way around.... I was the emergency room with Bronchitis that turned into Pneumonia ugh.  I was so sick I couldn't even eat :( Our addict was not here.  Of course missed. 

Christmas 2012....

 The hubs had to work so the whole deal was on me Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning.  The children woke up at 4AM  ahhhhhhhh... Opened presents back to bed.  I had asked my mom if my brother was invited because I didn't want to not have a gift for him if he was coming.  Now some of you may be thinking a gift pshhhh I wouldn't buy him a gift.  Well we have caught onto his game you see, we don't buy anything worth value on the street.  I have bought him socks, underwear, toothbrushes, deodorant, things like that.  I believe I also will give him books. But nothing he can pawn or sell.  But anyway, mom said she invited him and he said no he didn't want to be around us yet.  He wasn't ready.  I am surprised and happy at this response.  Of course I miss him I haven't seen him in months.  We do text and of course I we talk a little on the dreaded facebook and if any of you have read my stuff before you know I have no problem deleting him when he is doing bad.  So things have calmed down like I said and I am enjoying it.  He gets out of rehab in a couple of months we will see what happens then.....

I Can Sleep Peacefully Now

This one is short and sweet!  I dropped him off at rehab walked him in to make sure he went!!!!!!!!! 

Now learning how to help him the correct way and help him in sobriety! 

Lots of love and healing,

Heidi

Rehab, Now What????

On June 14th after I wrote my last post we heard from my brother for the 1st time since the day after Mother's Day.  He called my house, my cell, and my mother's cell no one answered.  He left us both messages stating he was in the hospital and was on the waiting list for the 12 step rehab he was sick of living this life and he missed us and needed to change. 


OOOOOOOOHHHHH wait, I know most of you who have been reading our posts are happy to hear this news.  I, however, am a little reluctant to be happy.  I have heard all of this before.  My brother has been in rehab 6 or 7 times each time did great gets discharged and instead of following the program he goes right back to the way he was.  My brother also has a court date coming up and he likes to run to rehab to show a judge he is trying to change.  So I am not sure how to react to this news.  I am so happy he is going he needs too.  He needs to find on and actually work it.  I hope with all my heart he is going to do it this time.  Now I have to figure out a way to be supportive but not give up my recovery from his addiction and let him know I am still holding my ground.  Just because you go doesn't mean everything will be OK.  My heart is torn right now.  Not sure what to do or how to feel. 

Lots of love and healing,

Heidi

The Way We Were

It is hard to believe something so simple can make you cry and wish for things to be the way they were.  The other night for dinner I made fried zucchini as I was dipping them in eggs and flour tears started to run down my cheek.  I remember every summer the first thing my brother and I would want is fried zucchini.  Our mom would never batter them she just cut it up and fried it in a pan on the stove top.  Two summers ago during a period of sobriety my brother were watching Paula Deen and she fried tomatoes and she made the batter and we looked at each other in a moment of WTH why didn't we ever think of that.  We immediately went bought zucchini and started battering and frying.  OMG delish!!!  We ate four zucchini that day.  We laughed and made fun of how our mom made it.  I remember he hugged me told me I was the bestest big sister.  ahhhh sitting here typing this I have tears streaming.  I miss him so much.  I hurt like he is not alive anymore.  I haven't seen him or heard from him since the middle of May.  I am mourning my brother and he is still alive.  I remember all the good times as if there may never be another.  I look at my best friend and my husband who have both lost their brothers to tragedy and I feel bad thinking the way I do because he is still alive.  But I also know the further he travels this road of addiction the faster he is working his way to death.  I love my brother and I will love him with all of my heart til the day I die.  I wish the addicts could for just one day be in our shoes and see what it is like from our perspective.  In their sick and twisted brain we don't love them.  Where in fact it is quite the contrary we sometimes love them to death.  I enabled my brother from the day he was born in 1980 until Mother's Day 2012.  I don't want to help him kill himself any longer.  I have detached with love.  I told him I loved him and he was welcome back in my life when he decided to live sober and be a productive person in society.  I told him I will never stop loving him I have however stopped enabling him.  If he feels that that is not loving him I can't change that.  The only thing I can change is me and how I am going to deal with my addiction to his addiction. I am sure there will be many other things simple things that I will do that I will have tears running down my face but that's OK I am allowed to remember things just the way they were.....

Lots of love and healing,

Heidi

A Sister's Pain

Last night we had our weekly meeting and in our group there is only one other sibling besides myself and Ashley and I think we really made a connection.  I know that our pain as a sibling is different than our parents however, we too hurt very deeply.  I am the oldest(35) and Ashley(23) is the youngest our addict is the middle child(31).  I feel as if our pain is sometimes overshadowed by our parents.  This is our brother.  We were so close when we were younger.  We had the same friends we did everything together.  I don't have a single memory from when I was a child that doesn't start with "this one time me and my brother".  It is heartbreaking to watch him self destruct and not be able to save him.  That pain i believe we share with our parents. 

HOWEVER, not only do we as siblings lose our addict to this disease but we lose our parents also.  I don't want to talk about him every second of the day but I don't want to not be there for my mom.  My dad doesn't talk about it at all its like my brother doesn't exist and that's fine that is his way of dealing with it.  My mother on the other hand is sad and miserable.  I feel like I have lost her as much as we lost him.  I can't tell her it will be OK.  I can't fix this for her.  So not only do we feel the pain and shame this disease causes the family but now we feel the guilt of not being able to help her with it.  Then there is the anger of " HEY HELLO I AM YOUR CHILD TOO ASK ME HOW I AM DOING" then you feel guilty because your asking her to ignore her pain to ask you a question about you when you know she is relieved she doesn't have to worry about you. 

The meetings have helped my mother tremendously.  She is smiling again and is strong when she talks.  Its nice to see. 

Then we have the anger of I am going to kill him when I find him for doing this to our mother.  Of course that would never happen but boy do I feel like I could just punch him sometimes.  Its an inner struggle with us as siblings.  We love him, we hate him, we hate what he is doing... We love our parents, we hate talking about this all the time, we hate what this is doing to them....

So parents take time and ask you other children how they are doing.  Involve them in your recovery from your addicts addiction.  Going to meetings with my mom and sister has helped us all be able to speak openly and without the guilt of hurting any feelings.  We know that if we need to say I hate him today we can and no one will be angry.  We know that how we feel is important to our mom.  We also know that we are going to be OK regardless the path my brother decides to take in his addiction.  We will always have each other.  So take this time and fix you because it is the only person you can fix.  If we could fix our addicts addiction would not be an issue ever.  Work on your relationships outside of your addict because if there ever is a time they decide to get clean you will need to be strong and have a good support system around you so you will have the strength to be able to set boundaries and understand that just because they are clean today tomorrow is not guaranteed. 

Lots of love and healing,

Heidi

11 Days and Counting

Well it has been 11 almost 12 since I have heard from my brother.  The last time I knew for sure he was alive was almost 12 days ago.  Sure it may have only been a FB message telling me to stay the hell out of his life and he can't be saved but at least it was some kind of communication.  No one in our family has heard from him and I haven't looked for him.  He needs to learn the consequences of his actions.  This isn't an uncommon occurrence with him.  He will run and hide every time he is using. 

He had a court date this morning and I prayed hard last night for God to give the judge the courage to lock him up this time.  I know if he is in jail he is alive.  He is eating.  He is not cold.  I think that is the hardest thing to deal with the not knowing. 

Otherwise, this was a great week.  We had a great holiday with friends and just a nice family day.  We had a great Nar-anon meeting this week.  Tonight my husband will receive the Medal of Honor for saving a hostage in a bank robbery.  For those of you who are reading this for the first time my husband is a police officer.  Next week is the kids last week of school for the summer.  We are getting ready for vacation lots of good things coming soon. 

But in the back of my head I keep thinking about my brother and how I wish nothing more than for him to be a productive part of our family.  I would love to share in family days and dinners with him.  I sometimes wish I would have started these meetings earlier and learned how to deal with his addiction in a better way and stopped enabling him many years ago so he could have saved himself from this despair.  I know no matter how much I wish these things for him he needs to want them for himself.  I just MISS HIM. 

I think a lot about him getting treatment and making progress in recovery one day and will I ever believe anything that comes out of his mouth.  Right now when his mouth is moving he is lying.  I wonder how we will ever rebuild our relationship.  I know it will always be different but I just want my brother back.

I just pray that God is watching him and will hold him tight and let him know he is loved and he is worth recovery.

Lots of love and healing,

Heidi

A New Way Of Life

Never in a million years did I think that we would be on of the families sitting at a Nar-anon meeting.  I thought those meetings were for the addicts only.  I had heard of Al-anon for families of alcoholics but never Nar-anon.  As we walked into our first meeting a week ago I was nervous and my stomach was turning.  We sat in the back row trying to hide like we always have with my brother's addiction.  We would hide it and be shameful of his addiction and lie to people when they asked how he was.  Then they had us move our chairs into a big circle.  I felt vulnerable and even more nervous.  For most of the meeting we sat and listened to the other families regarding their struggles with their addicts.  Until then it just came spewing out of me.  I began to shake as I spoke about my brother.  I told my mom that I felt like my body is releasing so much pain and sorrow it makes me quiver.  I feel like every muscle in my body is spasming.  I can't control it.  My body only reacts like this when I speak.  It is the only thing I can think of as a reason why this would happen. 

Last night was our second meeting where we had recovering addicts telling us their stories.  I felt like they were speaking to only me because it is everything my brother is and does.  At the end I began to share again and immediately began to shake as if the temperature dropped 30 degrees.  I let it all out and spoke about the things that occurred this past week.  I was good until I spoke the words that sometimes I feel as if it would be a relief if they did find him deceased.  I know he would be at peace then. I wouldn't wonder if he his alive or dead.  If he is hurt if he is hungry well you know the feelings that occur.  I broke out into sobs.  But they immediately made me feel like I wasn't alone in that thought.  Some said I feel the same way. 

After last nights meeting I feel more alive then ever.  I feel more supported than ever.  I know I have to heal. 

I decided after praying a lot that this is the beginning of my new way of life.  I am going to love hard, live free, and laugh loudly.  I know I am the best me I can be and that's all I can do.  I love my brother with all of my heart and I will take the advice of the guest speakers last night and love him from a distance and let him deal with his addiction and pray hard the right people are walking on his path. For when he meets that right person they will lead him to recovery when he wants it.  They said a very powerful thing "no human power or materialistic object will keep me clean and sober"  That is an amazing statement.  I know no matter what I say or do my brother will not get clean.  I can't buy his sobriety.  He will have to earn it like every other recovering addict.

Lots of Love and Healing,

Heidi