Never in a million years did I think that we would be on of the families sitting at a Nar-anon meeting. I thought those meetings were for the addicts only. I had heard of Al-anon for families of alcoholics but never Nar-anon. As we walked into our first meeting a week ago I was nervous and my stomach was turning. We sat in the back row trying to hide like we always have with my brother's addiction. We would hide it and be shameful of his addiction and lie to people when they asked how he was. Then they had us move our chairs into a big circle. I felt vulnerable and even more nervous. For most of the meeting we sat and listened to the other families regarding their struggles with their addicts. Until then it just came spewing out of me. I began to shake as I spoke about my brother. I told my mom that I felt like my body is releasing so much pain and sorrow it makes me quiver. I feel like every muscle in my body is spasming. I can't control it. My body only reacts like this when I speak. It is the only thing I can think of as a reason why this would happen.
Last night was our second meeting where we had recovering addicts telling us their stories. I felt like they were speaking to only me because it is everything my brother is and does. At the end I began to share again and immediately began to shake as if the temperature dropped 30 degrees. I let it all out and spoke about the things that occurred this past week. I was good until I spoke the words that sometimes I feel as if it would be a relief if they did find him deceased. I know he would be at peace then. I wouldn't wonder if he his alive or dead. If he is hurt if he is hungry well you know the feelings that occur. I broke out into sobs. But they immediately made me feel like I wasn't alone in that thought. Some said I feel the same way.
After last nights meeting I feel more alive then ever. I feel more supported than ever. I know I have to heal.
I decided after praying a lot that this is the beginning of my new way of life. I am going to love hard, live free, and laugh loudly. I know I am the best me I can be and that's all I can do. I love my brother with all of my heart and I will take the advice of the guest speakers last night and love him from a distance and let him deal with his addiction and pray hard the right people are walking on his path. For when he meets that right person they will lead him to recovery when he wants it. They said a very powerful thing "no human power or materialistic object will keep me clean and sober" That is an amazing statement. I know no matter what I say or do my brother will not get clean. I can't buy his sobriety. He will have to earn it like every other recovering addict.
Lots of Love and Healing,
Heidi
Friday, May 25, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Walk A Mile In My Shoes... Then You Can Judge Me
Yesterday was not a good day. As you may have read in an earlier post my brother was put into the hospital for emergency evaluation and walked out. He and I had a lovely exchange of words on his FB page in which he told me to stay the "f" out of his life. How could I help the cops find him? He always knew I never loved him blah blah blah which I presume these people read.I woke up to 36 messages on Facebook from people I don't even know asking me...
"where is he"
"do you know if he is OK"
"why do you not care what happens to him"
"I can't believe you helped the cops find him"
"what kind of sister are you"
"what kind of person does that"
I could go on but I think you get the picture. I responded to the first couple of messages kind of rudely. Well not kind of I was down right ignorant. Then I spoke with a friend of mine and she said to me
Heidi why are you even responding? You don't know any of these people and you don't owe them any kind of explanation. When they walk a mile in your shoes and deal with the struggles your brother has put you and your family through then they can judge you until then Facebook has a delete and block feature USE IT!!!!!!!!!.
I deleted and blocked around 40 people some friends some family some I don't even know including my brother.
I don't understand why or how people feel they have a right to tell me how to feel or how to deal with my brother. Where were these people when we were sitting in court rooms, visiting rehabs, dealing with the DEA busting up in our home? I think my friends are right these people are addicted to the drama and feel they need to be a part of it. THIS ISN'T DRAMA THIS IS MY LIFE. This is what I live with everyday. I know there are more people supporting me than that are hating on me but its still hard.
The people who really know my brother and care about my brother have been supporting me. I don't know why I let these select few make me feel like I was really nothing yesterday. Today will be a better day. I am willing it that way. I know in my mind what I am doing is right. But my heart needs time to heal and strengthen and these people beating me down did not help. I broke down at dinner last night and just cried and cried. I sat there questioning myself and my actions. I always have prided myself on being a good person, sister, daughter, mother and wife and these haters made me question that. Then I realized they don't know me at all and obviously they don't know my brother at all. We have lived in silence about this disease I can't fault people for not know the real story. I never told it I know for sure my brother never has told anyone the REAL story. That is why every time someone brings it up he runs away. Well now they can read our story and see that he may be the crack addict but we are just as affected by it. I just wish I could remember what it was like before crack. Its a fading memory.
"where is he"
"do you know if he is OK"
"why do you not care what happens to him"
"I can't believe you helped the cops find him"
"what kind of sister are you"
"what kind of person does that"
I could go on but I think you get the picture. I responded to the first couple of messages kind of rudely. Well not kind of I was down right ignorant. Then I spoke with a friend of mine and she said to me
Heidi why are you even responding? You don't know any of these people and you don't owe them any kind of explanation. When they walk a mile in your shoes and deal with the struggles your brother has put you and your family through then they can judge you until then Facebook has a delete and block feature USE IT!!!!!!!!!.
I deleted and blocked around 40 people some friends some family some I don't even know including my brother.
I don't understand why or how people feel they have a right to tell me how to feel or how to deal with my brother. Where were these people when we were sitting in court rooms, visiting rehabs, dealing with the DEA busting up in our home? I think my friends are right these people are addicted to the drama and feel they need to be a part of it. THIS ISN'T DRAMA THIS IS MY LIFE. This is what I live with everyday. I know there are more people supporting me than that are hating on me but its still hard.
The people who really know my brother and care about my brother have been supporting me. I don't know why I let these select few make me feel like I was really nothing yesterday. Today will be a better day. I am willing it that way. I know in my mind what I am doing is right. But my heart needs time to heal and strengthen and these people beating me down did not help. I broke down at dinner last night and just cried and cried. I sat there questioning myself and my actions. I always have prided myself on being a good person, sister, daughter, mother and wife and these haters made me question that. Then I realized they don't know me at all and obviously they don't know my brother at all. We have lived in silence about this disease I can't fault people for not know the real story. I never told it I know for sure my brother never has told anyone the REAL story. That is why every time someone brings it up he runs away. Well now they can read our story and see that he may be the crack addict but we are just as affected by it. I just wish I could remember what it was like before crack. Its a fading memory.
Monday, May 21, 2012
The 2nd 3rd and Final Time of Stupidity
The 2nd time...... After the incident with the pool money we of course kicked my brother out. I sometimes regret not pressing charges maybe if I did he would have gotten help. Of course my husband wanted too but I begged him not too. When November came around it was getting so cold out I couldn't stand the fact that he was going to be out in the cold. So I offered our garage to him. I know it wasn't much but at least it was heated and out of the elements of a MD winter. Which I know it isn't bad but it still gets cold. LOL... We made our guidelines he was not to have drugs on our property and he could only be in our house if we were home and he had to stay in the same room as us except for the bathroom. He was sticking to the rules for about 2 months. One morning he knocked on the door at like 630am it was a Saturday and asked to use the bathroom. I of course allowed him to come in. I am not a morning person and let my guard down and went back to bed told him to lock the door when he went back outside. I woke up at 8 with my kids and I have diagnosed severe TMJ in my jaw and sometimes its locks and I can't open my mouth. So on days like that I have to squeeze a pain pill in my mouth and sip a drink threw a straw. I always have a script of 10 pain pills just in case. Well I must have known I was wrong by letting my guard down and had been clinching my jaw for the hour and a half I continued to sleep because when I woke up I couldn't open my mouth. I went looking for my pills and they were gone. SERIOUSLY I said to myself. So I had to pry my mouth open with no pain meds. So when my husband came home from working overnight and I was crying in pain he was furious. I said to him there is no way you can be as furious as I am. I didn't know who I was more mad at him for taking my pills when he knows what I need them for or me for letting my guard down and letting him in my house alone. So of course we kicked him out again when he admitted he was taking my meds. When we cleaned out the garage my husband found a crack pipe and other drug paraphenalia.
The 3rd time...... Well I held strong for about a year and he did some time in the local county jail. Of course I was stupid enough to let him back in. DUH... We again made the rules and guidelines. Job or school, no drugs, and no stealing. Well it went well for about 6 months. My oldest child has ADHD and take Adderall and I went got her script filled and she gets 30 pills a month and because they are a narcotic it is very harshly regulated. We have to go see her pediatrician every month for a meds check and we get a script for that month. Like I said I had gotten her script filled 1 day and within 3 days we only had 10 pills left. So that means in 2 days 17 pills were taken from my child who needs this medicine to be able to function in school. Well that was it he was out again. Luckily we were at the end of the school year and she only takes the pills on school days so she had enough to make it the rest of the school year.
And the 4th and Final time yes I really am that much of a co-dependent..... He spent a year in big boy prison and was getting out. We had a family meeting with everyone and decided that in order for him to have a fighting chance he would need a place to stay and somehow my house was chosen. So he moved in got a job with a friend of mine and was doing great this past october we bought a new home and moved my parents in with us and things were going so well we offered him a place here. He stayed in our old home until the last possible day he had to be out. The first night he was here he decided to break into the cars of our new neighbors and all around our neighborhood. Can you believe it???? Well the best part is.... When he was in and out and in and out of our house all night long and the cops are blaring by here he leaves his bookbag by a car he was breaking into with his wallet in it he isn't the best of theives. So of course they new who was doing it. But no charges. He has a horseshoe up his butt I swear. When we were all woken up by the craziness going on in our new neighborhood there on the nightstand was an uncashed paycheck. I asked him why he was stealing when he had money on the table He said he couldn't sleep and he was bored.... WTH. He was out the next day.
AND WILL NEVER LIVE WITH ME AGAIN.....
Lots of love and Healing,
Heidi
The 3rd time...... Well I held strong for about a year and he did some time in the local county jail. Of course I was stupid enough to let him back in. DUH... We again made the rules and guidelines. Job or school, no drugs, and no stealing. Well it went well for about 6 months. My oldest child has ADHD and take Adderall and I went got her script filled and she gets 30 pills a month and because they are a narcotic it is very harshly regulated. We have to go see her pediatrician every month for a meds check and we get a script for that month. Like I said I had gotten her script filled 1 day and within 3 days we only had 10 pills left. So that means in 2 days 17 pills were taken from my child who needs this medicine to be able to function in school. Well that was it he was out again. Luckily we were at the end of the school year and she only takes the pills on school days so she had enough to make it the rest of the school year.
And the 4th and Final time yes I really am that much of a co-dependent..... He spent a year in big boy prison and was getting out. We had a family meeting with everyone and decided that in order for him to have a fighting chance he would need a place to stay and somehow my house was chosen. So he moved in got a job with a friend of mine and was doing great this past october we bought a new home and moved my parents in with us and things were going so well we offered him a place here. He stayed in our old home until the last possible day he had to be out. The first night he was here he decided to break into the cars of our new neighbors and all around our neighborhood. Can you believe it???? Well the best part is.... When he was in and out and in and out of our house all night long and the cops are blaring by here he leaves his bookbag by a car he was breaking into with his wallet in it he isn't the best of theives. So of course they new who was doing it. But no charges. He has a horseshoe up his butt I swear. When we were all woken up by the craziness going on in our new neighborhood there on the nightstand was an uncashed paycheck. I asked him why he was stealing when he had money on the table He said he couldn't sleep and he was bored.... WTH. He was out the next day.
AND WILL NEVER LIVE WITH ME AGAIN.....
Lots of love and Healing,
Heidi
Here We Go Again.....
Its Heidi,
I guess they found our brother this morning at the public library on facebook. The detectives called me said he was put into the hospital for eval. I guess he is out because he just messaged me on facebook it says "why don't you and mom just stay the hell out of my life" I replied, the cops were at my house at 10pm, 12:30am, and again this morning because you told someone in a park last night that you were going to hang yourself when all the people left. We had nothing to do with it. I just told them where I thought you would be. You cause and uproar and then want to blame people for caring.
He is on FB this morning and I received 14 messages from people I don't even know begging me to help my brother because he is going to hang himself. I replied back to every single one and said the sheriffs office found him the the library on FB having a laugh at all of you crying and begging him to get help.
Someone wrote back and told me I was an uncaring sister and for my sake hopefully he doesn't do anything to himself.
I had to laugh. I have heard he was going to kill himself everyday since so far back I can't remember. I want to take these people and shake them. They are feeding into his deception and attention seeking ways.
I know this may sound harsh and unkind but I am so over the threats and I don't believe them. I would be the last person to call the cops if he said that. If I did all I would do is call the police. I am glad people have the heart to want to help my brother but HE DOES NOT WANT IT. Its a waste of time. And when people do help as you can see I get blamed by him and told to stay the hell out of his life. He has openly admitted on FB he only says that to get the attention.
My feeling I have known people who have taken their own lives several actually and none of them were blasting it on facebook before hand.
I also know if he does he needed way more help than I could ever give him and he will not manipulate me back into his addiction.
Lots of Love and Healing,
Heidi
I guess they found our brother this morning at the public library on facebook. The detectives called me said he was put into the hospital for eval. I guess he is out because he just messaged me on facebook it says "why don't you and mom just stay the hell out of my life" I replied, the cops were at my house at 10pm, 12:30am, and again this morning because you told someone in a park last night that you were going to hang yourself when all the people left. We had nothing to do with it. I just told them where I thought you would be. You cause and uproar and then want to blame people for caring.
He is on FB this morning and I received 14 messages from people I don't even know begging me to help my brother because he is going to hang himself. I replied back to every single one and said the sheriffs office found him the the library on FB having a laugh at all of you crying and begging him to get help.
Someone wrote back and told me I was an uncaring sister and for my sake hopefully he doesn't do anything to himself.
I had to laugh. I have heard he was going to kill himself everyday since so far back I can't remember. I want to take these people and shake them. They are feeding into his deception and attention seeking ways.
I know this may sound harsh and unkind but I am so over the threats and I don't believe them. I would be the last person to call the cops if he said that. If I did all I would do is call the police. I am glad people have the heart to want to help my brother but HE DOES NOT WANT IT. Its a waste of time. And when people do help as you can see I get blamed by him and told to stay the hell out of his life. He has openly admitted on FB he only says that to get the attention.
My feeling I have known people who have taken their own lives several actually and none of them were blasting it on facebook before hand.
I also know if he does he needed way more help than I could ever give him and he will not manipulate me back into his addiction.
Lots of Love and Healing,
Heidi
Memories from the past making worries for the future
Heidi and I have each mentioned how our brother has stolen from us. Having it happen time and time again makes us worry whenever he comes around. 2 years ago today, I graduated from college. I was the first person in my family to accomplish this, so we threw a huge party and invited a lot of people (I think my wedding invite list might be smaller, and it's still huge). In planning, mom, Heidi, and I sat down to figure out something that no one should ever have to worry about: what are we going to do about the box for the cards. We knew a lot of people were putting cash or checks in the cards for me and we made a card box for them. We were trying to figure out how to go about placing security around the box without letting anyone know we were doing it. At this point, we hid my brother's problem. Actually, until last week we hid my brother's problem. People knew my brother was up to no good, but didn't know what he did or to what extent his problem was and we were too ashamed and embarrassed to talk about it. He ended up not showing to my party, which was a relief, but it still caused worry. This party was only about 10 months after he stole all of the money Heidi had saved for groceries, to pay the electrician, and buy things to put up her pool.
He hasn't quit stealing (except during the 6 months or so he was locked up), and I have another problem. I'm getting married May 4, 2013. This is normally a happy thing for most people (and don't get me wrong, I'm very happy with my future husband), but in the back of my mind, I'm terrified. Do I invite my brother? Do I have to figure out security for my wedding gifts? Would it just be easier to elope so I don't have to worry about him? He goes to court in a couple of weeks. Will he be in jail on my wedding day? Would it be easier if he was in jail? When Heidi got married, it was before things got really bad. We didn't have to worry about whether or not he was going to steal. I had almost completely stopped talking to him prior to the intervention because I didn't want to lose anything else. My fiance and I are trying to start our lives together. We both have car payments, I have student loans, I can't afford to replace anything if it gets stolen.
I don't know what to do or what to think.
Ashley
He hasn't quit stealing (except during the 6 months or so he was locked up), and I have another problem. I'm getting married May 4, 2013. This is normally a happy thing for most people (and don't get me wrong, I'm very happy with my future husband), but in the back of my mind, I'm terrified. Do I invite my brother? Do I have to figure out security for my wedding gifts? Would it just be easier to elope so I don't have to worry about him? He goes to court in a couple of weeks. Will he be in jail on my wedding day? Would it be easier if he was in jail? When Heidi got married, it was before things got really bad. We didn't have to worry about whether or not he was going to steal. I had almost completely stopped talking to him prior to the intervention because I didn't want to lose anything else. My fiance and I are trying to start our lives together. We both have car payments, I have student loans, I can't afford to replace anything if it gets stolen.
I don't know what to do or what to think.
Ashley
Nothing Like a Midnight Visit From the Sheriffs Department
Its Heidi....
So here we are a week from our "intervention" stating we will no longer allow him in our lives if he refuses to get the help he needs and actually work a program. Obviously, he chose not to get help and we have not seen or heard from him in a week.
Last night around 10pm the town cops showed up here looking for him because they got a phone call he was threatening suicide. They asked if he was here and I said no we haven't seen him in a week. I told them where I knew that he would hang out. About 20 mins later a friend of mine who lives in our old home calls and says I don't want to be the one who tells you this but the cops are here looking in the woods for your brother. I said yeah they were here too I am really sorry they showed up at your place.
Let me explain why we are so nonchalant about this threat. My crack addicted brother has said he will kill himself every other day for 10 years. That is not an embellished. We have tried everything to get him help. He will stay for a day or 2 in a facility then leave. He is 31 we can't force him to get help. I wish we could. The psych ward at our hospital is his 2nd home. He usually threatens suicide when he does something he knows he will get arrested for or when the family tries to take a stand against his addiction.
We were getting ready to go to bed last night and I went to shut and lock the door and who do I see walking up our driveway is the County Sheriff's Department. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The deputy asks to come in and we sit down and at first I thought he was here to tell me they found him dead so my heart sank as we sat down and he told me tonight you brother checked himself out of the psych ward and met up with a person he knew from the psych ward and told them when everyone leaves the park he was going to hang himself from the tree. We have been unable to find him so we want to do a missing persons report. At that time I took a breath and said hang himself from a tree that is typical threat. He always tells me I will find him hanging from a tree. We went on and did this report which asked everything from name to what his teeth looked like. The worst was when they asked if needed could we get dental records.
OMG as I am typing this the Sheriff's Dept knocked on the door to talk again about this.
UGH gotta go,
Lots of Love and Healing,
Heidi
So here we are a week from our "intervention" stating we will no longer allow him in our lives if he refuses to get the help he needs and actually work a program. Obviously, he chose not to get help and we have not seen or heard from him in a week.
Last night around 10pm the town cops showed up here looking for him because they got a phone call he was threatening suicide. They asked if he was here and I said no we haven't seen him in a week. I told them where I knew that he would hang out. About 20 mins later a friend of mine who lives in our old home calls and says I don't want to be the one who tells you this but the cops are here looking in the woods for your brother. I said yeah they were here too I am really sorry they showed up at your place.
Let me explain why we are so nonchalant about this threat. My crack addicted brother has said he will kill himself every other day for 10 years. That is not an embellished. We have tried everything to get him help. He will stay for a day or 2 in a facility then leave. He is 31 we can't force him to get help. I wish we could. The psych ward at our hospital is his 2nd home. He usually threatens suicide when he does something he knows he will get arrested for or when the family tries to take a stand against his addiction.
We were getting ready to go to bed last night and I went to shut and lock the door and who do I see walking up our driveway is the County Sheriff's Department. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The deputy asks to come in and we sit down and at first I thought he was here to tell me they found him dead so my heart sank as we sat down and he told me tonight you brother checked himself out of the psych ward and met up with a person he knew from the psych ward and told them when everyone leaves the park he was going to hang himself from the tree. We have been unable to find him so we want to do a missing persons report. At that time I took a breath and said hang himself from a tree that is typical threat. He always tells me I will find him hanging from a tree. We went on and did this report which asked everything from name to what his teeth looked like. The worst was when they asked if needed could we get dental records.
OMG as I am typing this the Sheriff's Dept knocked on the door to talk again about this.
UGH gotta go,
Lots of Love and Healing,
Heidi
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Facebook Sucks
Good Evening well morning I guess its midnight its Heidi again.... As you have read our family has taken a stance against my brothers crack addiction. Well he doesn't like the fact we all told him to get his life straight then we would welcome him back with open arms. I saw on facebook today that he is telling everyone how we cut him off and boohoooo we don't want to talk to him and how messed up it is that we have been going to Nar-anon meetings. Damn right we don't want to talk to him. He is a "junkie" those are his own words not mine. So of course I reply to his message and say "um stop telling lies to all your so called friends we did not cut you off we told you until you get your stuff well I didn't say stuff together we don't want to see you and as far as us going to meetings yes we are so we can learn how to help you and we will never stop loving you we just stopped enabling you" Well he didn't like that at all and I am sure used it as an excuse to go get high.
My mother had the pleasure of seeing him today while taking her friends daughter to meet him to get stolen jewelry back. I am sure that was the highlight of her day. She asked him to please turn himself in and he basically said "f" you. She said he looks like death and I am not surprised.
So Facebook is my friend and my enemy..... its a love hate relationship. I dread looking at his page but I can't help it I feel like I have too just to make sure he is alive. I have hid his status updates from my timeline so I can chose the times I look at them. Its just so hard to be blamed for his issues and be made to look like we are awful human beings and a bad family. I feel like I have to defend us on the other hand I walk on eggshells worried if what I say will be the one thing that makes him take those pills or smoke that pipe for the last time and we will get that phone call. I don't want to delete him totally because I am afraid it is the only way I will be able to tell my mom he is still alive he is on FB.
Ugh Facebook sucks....
Lots of Love and Healing,
Heidi
My mother had the pleasure of seeing him today while taking her friends daughter to meet him to get stolen jewelry back. I am sure that was the highlight of her day. She asked him to please turn himself in and he basically said "f" you. She said he looks like death and I am not surprised.
So Facebook is my friend and my enemy..... its a love hate relationship. I dread looking at his page but I can't help it I feel like I have too just to make sure he is alive. I have hid his status updates from my timeline so I can chose the times I look at them. Its just so hard to be blamed for his issues and be made to look like we are awful human beings and a bad family. I feel like I have to defend us on the other hand I walk on eggshells worried if what I say will be the one thing that makes him take those pills or smoke that pipe for the last time and we will get that phone call. I don't want to delete him totally because I am afraid it is the only way I will be able to tell my mom he is still alive he is on FB.
Ugh Facebook sucks....
Lots of Love and Healing,
Heidi
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